A while ago, my roomies and I got into a heated argument. Let me set the stage.
We were having a little gathering in our room. People were over, including one guy that we didn't really get along with. One of my roommates, who is black, did not like him at all due to the fact that he had previously made some openly racist comments. I hate conflict so he's definitely not someone that I would hang out with, but I could tolerate him when he was there. My other roommate, who is white, was a sister figure to him in way. She was dating a guy that he roomed with so she spent the most time with him out of all of us.
Sometime during the night, my Black roommate started flipping out on him, telling him he had to leave. It got to the point where they were yelling and everyone was focused on what was going on. My other roommate and I tried to diffuse the situation. He clearly wasn't listening to her when she was yelling at him to leave. I asked her what had happened and tried to calm her down, but that only made it worse. I asked him to leave multiple times but he refused. After she got to the point that she was in tears, she went to her bedroom. It was then that we were able to get him to leave.
The conversations that happened afterwards is what sucked. My Black roommate was mad and me and my other roommate for not having her back. She didn't feel like we should've asked her what had happened and tried to calm her down. We should've just immediately agreed with her and helped yell at him to leave.
My white roommate was in tears because she didn't want us thinking that her not automatically trying to kick him out associated her with him and racism, thus making her racist herself. That was the last thing she wanted. She had formed her own connection with him in a way, so kicking him out without a reason, and in-front of his other friends that she had gotten close to, wouldn't have ended up being good for her.
My Black roommate said that I should've understood her side immediately and not made her feel less than. She went on about all of the racism she has faced, and how she would expect her roommates and best friends to be able to stick up for her if it came down to it. She didn't feel like after that situation she could trust us to do that. It felt like she had been downplaying my experiences at that point. As if I hadn't faced racism because I wasn't fully Black. The conversation that night ended with me saying "I'm sorry I'm not Black enough for you."
Growing up, I've dealt with racism. I learned that the best thing to do is de-escalate the situation first in order to get someone to understand. Yelling back and forth and trying to force what you need to say out doesn't usually get the point. She didn't feel like that was right. Our experiences were different, but we each have our own. In the moment, there was no way to see how the situation was going to go, what the outcome would've been had we handled it differently.
But through the conversations, and lots of tears, that all of us shared after that night, we had a better understanding of each other. It also helped us know what we can do to make sure we are never in that situation again.
This story is one that is very hard to follow, and a you had to be there to fully understand story. But there may come a time when you make the wrong choice, but with the right intentions. As long as you can communicate afterwards and have the hard conversation, you can learn a lot and it can help in other situations in the future.
Comments